Secrets of a successful & enduring life partnership

Whether your life partnership is a traditional marriage or a de facto relationship; Heterosexual, Lesbian or Gay, the same skills are required to make it lasting and stable. Once the rosy hues of romantic love and lust have started to fade, other resources are needed to keep both people in the relationship equally fulfilled and content. Attitudes towards even the most traditional marriage are changing and the accepted hierarchical of dominant superior male and submissive inferior female has very little place in most of today's life partnerships.

Partners want to be seen as equal, but different in a dynamic relationship that allows them both to grow. So what are some of the characteristics of a successful and enduring relationship?

• Honesty & Trust: This may be the most important characteristic. Without trust in a relationship, it will never become as deep and enduring as could otherwise be possible. This means that in some areas agreed between you, there should be complete transparency. Fidelity may not be the issue, perhaps it is agreed that it is okay to have affairs outside the primary relationship, as long as it is secure. Each couple will need to decide their own rules.

• Communication: People see things only from their own perspective yet they tend to think that everyone else shares their point of view! Lack of communication is one of the major problems cited when couples come for counselling. Clear communication is often hindered by fears of criticism, ridicule, rejection and that it may be used against them later. Therefore, trust is a very important part of a couple's communication. Each person needs to discover what it is that makes it so hard for them to communicate and to also find out what is inhibiting their partner. It is often necessary to learn about 'speaking for self' and the differences between being assertive and aggressive.

• Respect: How can there be a successful relationship without respect? Respect of each other's idiosyncrasies, weaknesses and strengths, as well as an acknowledgement that it is okay for the other person to make decisions and have opinions, even if you don't agree with them.

• Conflict Resolution: All relationships have conflict, it is impossible to be in agreement with another person all of the time, or even most of the time. What is important is to find out the real reason behind the conflict; is it insecurity, jealousy or a way to control the other person? Using conflict resolution skills such as speaking in turn, avoiding emotionally charged language and speaking for self, conflict can become strength not a weakness.

• Responsibility: Each partner recognises that they have a responsibility to make this relationship work by learning from their failures and being willing to make an effort. They acknowledge that it is a life long process which will require implementation and learning of many skills.

• Romance: This means that you spend time together having fun and relaxation. You enjoy each other's company and look forward to your 'couple time'. Romance is more than a bunch of flowers, it is also about loving kindness, caring and nurturance of your partner.

• Sexual intimacy: In an enduring relationship, this will be an area that continues to grow. It is a way of being together that must be seen as part of the whole. Therefore, the rest of your relationship together must also be supportive and satisfying for this area to be strong. You cannot treat your partner with distain and expect a warm and loving bedmate. Also, remember that's sex is not just about physical intercourse (see Romance!).

• Self disclosure: In a secure and loving relationship, both partners are comfortable in being their 'real selves' and with self disclosure. The 'real self' has confidence in its own convictions; is decisive, honest and assertive. Where both partners are in touch with this part of themselves, they can share their dreams and fears knowing that they will be accepted and supported by their partner.

• Humour: Often under rated in a relationship is the ability to laugh together but more importantly, to be able to laugh at yourself.

Another issue often requested by couples in counselling, is a need for 'unconditional love'. However, this can be a case of love being blind; love needs to be earned and maintained and if there is, for example, no trust or respect, than love does not deserve to be unconditional.

Good relationships are made, they don't just happen.

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