Secrets of a successful & enduring life partnership
Whether your life partnership is a traditional marriage or a de facto
relationship; Heterosexual, Lesbian or Gay, the same skills are required
to make it lasting and stable. Once the rosy hues of romantic love
and lust have started to fade, other resources are needed to keep both
people in the relationship equally fulfilled and content. Attitudes
towards even the most traditional marriage are changing and the accepted
hierarchical of dominant superior male and submissive inferior female
has very little place in most of today's life partnerships.
Partners want to be seen as equal, but different in a dynamic relationship
that allows them both to grow. So what are some of the characteristics
of a successful and enduring relationship?
- Honesty & Trust: This may be the most important
characteristic. Without trust in a relationship, it will never become
as deep and enduring as could otherwise be possible. This means that
in some areas agreed between you, there should be complete transparency.
Fidelity may not be the issue, perhaps it is agreed that it is okay
to have affairs outside the primary relationship, as long as it is
secure. Each couple will need to decide their own rules.
- Communication: People see things only from their own perspective
yet they tend to think that everyone else shares their point of view!
Lack of communication is one of the major problems cited when couples
come for counselling. Clear communication is often hindered by fears
of criticism, ridicule, rejection and that it may be used against
them later. Therefore, trust is a very important part of a couple's
communication. Each person needs to discover what it is that makes
it so hard for them to communicate and to also find out what is inhibiting
their partner. It is often necessary to learn about 'speaking for
self' and the differences between being assertive and aggressive.
- Respect: How can there be a successful relationship
without respect? Respect of each other's idiosyncrasies, weaknesses
and strengths, as well as an acknowledgement that it is okay for
the other person to make decisions and have opinions, even if you
don't agree with them.
- Conflict Resolution: All relationships have conflict,
it is impossible to be in agreement with another person all of the
time, or even most of the time. What is important is to find out
the real reason behind the conflict; is it insecurity, jealousy or
a way to control the other person? Using conflict resolution skills
such as speaking in turn, avoiding emotionally charged language and
speaking for self, conflict can become strength not a weakness.
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- Responsibility: Each partner recognises that they
have a responsibility to make this relationship work by learning from
their failures and being willing to make an effort. They acknowledge
that it is a life long process which will require implementation and
learning of many skills.
- Romance: This means that you spend time together
having fun and relaxation. You enjoy each other's company and look
forward to your 'couple time'. Romance is more than a bunch of flowers,
it is also about loving kindness, caring and nurturance of your partner.
- Sexual intimacy: In an enduring relationship,
this will be an area that continues to grow. It is a way of being
together that must be seen as part of the whole. Therefore, the rest
of your relationship together must also be supportive and satisfying
for this area to be strong. You cannot treat your partner with distain
and expect a warm and loving bedmate. Also, remember that's sex is not just
about physical intercourse (see Romance!).
- Self disclosure: In a secure and loving relationship,
both partners are comfortable in being their 'real selves' and with
self disclosure. The 'real self' has confidence in its own convictions;
is decisive, honest and assertive. Where both partners are in touch
with this part of themselves, they can share their dreams and fears
knowing that they will be accepted and supported by their partner.
- Humour: Often under rated in a relationship is
the ability to laugh together but more importantly, to be able to
laugh at yourself.
Another issue often requested by couples in counselling, is a need
for 'unconditional love'. However, this can be a case of love being
blind; love needs to be earned and maintained and if there is, for
example, no trust or respect, than love does not deserve to be unconditional.
Good relationships are made, they don't just happen.
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