Does Your Partner Speak Your 'Love Language'?
Gary Chapman, author of 'The Five Love
Languages', Northfield Publishing 1992, 1995 & 2004, has proposed
that everybody has a 'love language' in which that they are most
comfortable to express their love to their partner, and as importantly,
need to receive back. The five 'languages' that he suggests are:
- Words of affirmation
- Quality time
- Receiving gifts
- Acts of service
- Physical touch
Problems develop in a relationship when partners don't share the
same language and therefore, don't express love and affection in
a way to which their partner can relate. For example, if one person
needs words of affirmation to feel loved and secure but their partner
only uses physical touch, then neither is going to be satisfied.
Not everybody would agree with these categories, but the concept
is one that has been explored in different ways, by many motivational
writers. Some even suggest that each sex has a completely different
love language and to have a happy relationship, you need to learn
how these operate.
In my experience as a relationship counsellor, I have come to the
conclusion that everyone does have one or more methods by which they
express their love for their partner and if they do not feel loved
in return, it may be that their partner is expressing it in ways
that they cannot understand.
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Communication problems are usually the
most often cited problem by couples, when they come for counselling.
What do they mean by this? Sometimes it means that they simply don't
talk, they have fallen out of the habit of sharing day to day news
and problems and may be living quite separate but parallel lives.
Alternatively, they may be referring to the style of communication
between them. Perhaps one is very aggressive and the other, non assertive;
they are incapable of solving any relationship problems without conflict.
Could it also be possible that they are failing to communicate at
the most important level of all, the way that they express their
love for each other, their 'love language'.
How do you find out your partner's preferred 'love language'? Firstly,
you may need to identify your own. This can be done by ascertaining
what it is that your partner does to cause you the most hurt. Using
Dr Chapman's examples, you may decide that lack of quality time together
or couple time, is the main problem in your relationship. If this
is the way that you need proof of your partner's love and commitment
and they are not supplying it, then your 'love language' is not being
listened to.
Similarly, what are the principle things that your partner complains
about in your relationship? Does he or she constantly try to give
you physical affection (not sex) and you turn it away or rarely retaliate
with a spontaneous cuddle or touch. Perhaps their 'language' is physical
touch and you are not hearing it.
Finding out your own and your partner's 'love languages' and learning
how to speak them, will go a long way to repairing communication
problems. May be all you need to do is ask them what they need from
you, so that they know that you love them. The answer may very well
surprise you. |
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